Uncle Jerry's Points of Interest

What Pittsburgh River Are You?

Pull up a parking chair… it’s time for Uncle Jerry’s Points of Interest

So there I was, taking the Clipper across to a Stillers game last fall, and I had this thought: If I were a river in the great confluence of da Burgh, which one would I be? I think it’s blasphemous to think that I could only be one. 'Cause like, the three major sports teams in this tahn, it's hard to pick your favorite... unless you narrow it dahn to the two doin' all the winnin' - still,  tough choice.

The Ohi-a, The Allegheny and The Mon are like the tripod of Western Pennsylvania! If you take one away, it’s like the dahn-fall of western civilization! They each have a personality based on the towns that hug their banks like Brussel sprouts on a stock.  

Well, Uncle Jerry has come up with a simple Q & A to help yinz guys determine which Pittsburgh River you are… Answer truthfully, and you’ll soon be dunking your feet in the water like a Potato Patch fry in cheese:

 Where did you first have your first kiss?

A) At a carnival, prolly set-up in the parking lot of an old Kroger’s
B) Behind the bleachers with the “She’s All That” band geek
C) At the mall, and you can still smell the glitter from Claire’s

    What were you wearing when you went to your first concert at Star Lake? 

    A) The Pittsburgh Tuxedo (Stillers jersey obviously), I would say give yourself a high five, but you’re busy settin'-up your lawn chair…
    B) An Abercrombie hoodie and Vans
    C) “Jim Krenn and Scott Paulson 'DVE” black t-shirt

      Side Note:  A Pittsburgh Tuxedo can be worn at ANY location and event. A wedding, funeral, bar mitzvah, retirement party, 50th anniversary, ribbon cutting with the Chamber of Commerce, jury duty, The Regatta, Kennywood and Pirates and Penguins games… the possibilities are endless.

      Do you have a friend with one of these nicknames?

      A) Hoopie
      B) Stush  
      C) Jagoff  

        How many sections of a steel mill can you name?

        A) I call the ‘Blast Furnace’ my grandma’s bathroom at Thanksgiving
        B) Uh, there are sections?
        C) I know Stush worked in the Pickler Plant

          What is your favorite Clarks song?

          A) I don’t care if the Boss wrote it, they crushed it like Bettis over Urlacher
          B) Somebody call U-Haul, she’s aht’a’here!
          C) Hey, is that Abe Lincoln on your berber carpet?

            Side Note: In case In case yinz didn't pick up on the reference: A) The River, B) On Saturday, C) Penny on the floor  

            What’s the best way to enter the city?

            A) I like to canoodle with Washington, Franco and Dinos
            B) Pass so many orange barrels you think you’re headed to a Bungles game
            C) Follow the brake lights until the majesty of the steel town explodes on your retinas

              And now, the answers. If you picked more of da A's – You're The Ohio, B's – You're The Allegheny and C's – You're The Mon. If you picked some of each, well, then I dunno what to tell you 'bout that.

              That’s all for now, kiddos. Go tell your dad I need that surge protector back. Catch ya next time.




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