Squeeze a couple more squirts of butter on that popcorn… It’s time for Uncle Jerry’s Points of Interest.
There ain’t nothin’ butter, oops, better than goin’ to the drive-in on a warm night in the 'burgh. I cram the kids in the trunk so I don’t have to pay for them, the ol’ lady packs all the dollar candy from CVS and we sit dahn on the parking chairs to just enjoy a good flick. Granted, I learn what movies are playing by going to this website that looks like those ones that came out when the internet started. Seriously, check aht this site. It’s like 1993 just vomited all over your computer screen right!?
My favorites are the ones that were either set in Pittsburgh or filmed in Pittsburgh, obviously. Hell, with all them tax cuts that the production companies are getting, we may as well be livin’ in Hollywood East! We’re like the Arizona Cardinals of Hollywood! (Seriously, if you get that reference, give yourself four ‘Burgh Points - if you get up to 10 Burgh points, you get a free slushie from the snack bar).
Just call me Siskel and Yinzbert because I’m about to rate the ‘burgh movies. No, they ain’t getting stars. They’re getting hypocycloids. If you don’t know what that is, take away those four ‘Burgh Points from earlier. Ok – here we go:
Night of the Living Dead: 5 Hypocycloids. All other Zombies movies pale in comparison – no pun intended.
Silence of the Lambs: 4 Hypocycloids. Canonsburg puts the lotion in the basket.
Warrior: 3 Hypocycloids. I only give it that many because I was an extra in the scene they filmed at the Peterson Events Center. (Look for my Mario jersey)
Dark Knight Rises: 2 Hypocycloids. Bane cat is better than Bane any day of the week. How dare he blow up Heinz Field! That’s holy ground, you heathen!
Adventureland: 3 Hypocycloids. Oh, wow… Ryan Reynold is a heartthrob, Jesse Eisenburg is a nerd and Kristen Stewart is awkward. Wake me up when they’re on the Thunderbolt.
Super 8 & Deer Hunter: A combined 5 Hypocycloids. We just need more Weirton, WV in movies.
Jack Reacher: 1 Hypocycloid. Only because Jack Reacher is supposed to be this HUGE dude! Tom Cruise is better off playing volleyball with Goose.
Flashdance: 5 Hypocycloids. This has been boosted from 3 to 5 because of that viral gorilla dancing in the swimming pool. Zola is more of a maniac than Jennifer Beals ever was.
Perks of Being a Wallflower: 3 Hypocycloids. Who doesn’t want to drive through the Fort Pitt Tunnels like that?
Fences: 5 Hypocycloids. Honestly, never saw it. But I heard the fences weren’t hidden, which makes sense. How do you hide a fence?
Concussion: 4 Hypocycloids. I would have given it 5, but Luke Wilson doesn't look he has it in him to fine Antonio Brown for twerking.
Until next time, tell your old man I “lost” his Yeti cooler. I might be about to “find” it after the Zambelli farworks show next week. Hope to see Yinz dahntahn for the big event. Have a Happy Fourth of July.
